It's about time, wouldn't you say? We have Ebert & Roeper and all the other people giving two thumbs up to everything with a budget and some publicity. This is not how I work, my friends. Get ready for your first TERROR-BLE Tuesday. Here's how it works. I, enthused horror movie fan with too much time on his hands, will watch two films and report on them. No, there aren't going to be hush-hush new releases. That's not what I'm here for. I'm going to try (and I feel I need to emphasize the word 'try') to make bad movies look good. At the very least, viewable. If you're not in the mood for sarcasm, then I suspect that this really isn't the column for you. Sometimes, when the movie is just that bad, the only way to live through it is to laugh at it. And I plan to do that - no one amuses me as much as myself. I really need to get out more.
Here's how it works. I have a scale from one through ten for the categories below. One being 'burn your eyes out and kiss a porcupine before watching this' and ten being 'it needs a sequel!'.
Categories:
Gore:
Plot:
Character development:
Special effects:
Plot twists:
Unnecessary nudity:
Overall feeling: (which may be a number or me simply leaving it blank to sob into my soda or a rant on the insanity of it all).
Just so we're all clear, this is my personal opinion. You may think a movie I review is a spectacular feat in cinema, but it's most likely that I will not. I plan on doing the compliment sandwich (Good, bad, good) but let's face it, sometimes that simply isn't possible. Am I blowing smoke sometimes? Most likely, yes. Am I looking for an audience? You find me one person on the internet who isn't looking for one and I'll give you a dollar. Do I expect a following? No, not at all. Do I expect devotees and people willing to give me money? It would be nice, but there would probably be an equal balance of people who will read what I write and hate it. If I was that full of myself, I would use my real name, and not my super secret username here. I'm not looking for enemies, but I am looking to hopefully bring everyone some entertainment. Laugh with me, cry with me at my painful experience of having to sit through 84 minutes of something terrible (I'm sure most of you will go on and keep laughing, as is your right).
Check back every Wednesday for my TERROR-BLE Tuesdays. No, seriously, check back. If the only one reading this is my mom, my secret ego will be severely deflated.
