Motor Home Massacre
Runtime: 88 minutes

When you hit PLAY, the graphics on the menu move as if they’re in some kind of Powerpoint presentation. This cannot bode well for the reviewer my friends. Within the first 25 seconds, we are exposed to what ended up being a bad threesome from the get go. The filming itself is grainy in some parts, smoother in others, and then in parts, badly lit like a dollar bin porn. No, you cannot know how I know that – it’s just a saying, right?

Enter the super stereotypical cast. So stereotypical that it could possibly bring actual pain to any onlooker. The jock, the muscle head, the nerd (who is actually wearing a sweater-vest and a tie with a collared shirt to go camping) and, seriously folks, in this film there’s actually a poor man’s (PM) Eminem. We’re talking super baggie pants and even worse ‘jams'. Let’s go on and thank International Stream for this gem of a movie. And whoever ‘Honolulu’ is actually plays him/herself. Now we’re moving on to the women on this trip. The slightly-drawled brunette convinces the ‘my chest is entirely too large for this shirt’ blonde into coming along on this little endeavor Is it even possible to have a poor man’s Tori Spelling? There is now! The thing about this cast, which is probably a first for a horror movie - every member of the cast is perpetually horny. I’m talking on a level that is just ridiculous. Cue the super slutty, stupid girl. Just the icing on the eye-rolling hard-to-swallow cake. As is this whole movie. I really think it was just a bunch of friends who had a camera (yes, most likely just one) and some free time on their hands. Not even eight minutes into the movie and we’re doing a flashback. And, while these people were walking in an unknown area, the dude reached directly off camera and produces a bound boutique of flowers. Lame!

PM’s Eminem: “Shabbadoe Shabbadee, let’s pick it up and put it down in this here RV.” I’m sure this review will be peppered with such things. Just prepare yourselves. I really should have hit myself in the head before I turned this on, people. Notables: Broke down Tori-wannabe is reading a book entitled Men are from Uranus. Apparently they wanted to have people see it since it was prominently displayed right in front of the lens…twice.

Why would someone put their own bloody hand on their own face twice? Apparently the budget was so low that there couldn’t be body blood and mouth blood – they had to share. Quick camera motions and flashy photograph (as in – seizure-causing) make it easy to to see that any real slice ‘em dice ‘em is unnecessary.

Once again: “Reznittle firiddle?” (in response to alluding to blood and guts looking like a red sauce burrito exploded in the microwave. And his answer to a thought-provoking assessment? “Shabadooo shabaday.” I hope he dies first.

“When did you become Vanilla Flava Flav?” I hope that guy lives. I won’t tell you who, but one member finally has a pep squad in this reviewer because doesn’t he cater to his stupid friend – even if he does portray a jerk.

Another thing about this movie is that the scenes kind of…well, they last about three seconds longer than they need to, catching the ‘actors’ just staring off into space before cutting (jaggedly, I might add) to the next one. Alright folks, I’m a good solid fifty minutes into the movie and there hasn’t been a murder yet. Lots of lame dialog worth hearing, but nothing that really makes a horror movie a…horror movie, you know? For some reason during one of the ‘couple in a tent’ scenes, I heard car horns. This is sincerely terrible. Let’s cut to more inane talking during the action of slasher scene. Nothing but a bunch of kids being losers. People deserve to die when they act this stupid.

Around minute 63, it was pitch black. But a kick to a padded groin and it was instantly past dawn. Don't ever underestimate the power of the groin. Oh, switched back again. I love poor movie production.

There is a full minute of ‘male’ innuendo. And apparently, when it comes to someone seriously injured, the best thing you can do is put a blanket on them. I’m so glad this this group of plebeians are not my friends. Well, maybe it would be for the best – I wouldn’t have gone on a camping trip with them in the first place. Someone was just amputated with a machete, and not a single drop of blood got on the killer’s shirt. Amazing.

“I don’t have to make sense, I’m the one with the machete.” Priceless gems I tell you! Somehow this movie isn’t so much a slasher horror flick as a comedy with an after-school special and a splash of bright red food coloring.

In the end, I was more interested in reheating my stir fry from the night before than this movie. Ooh, and in case you were wondering, Honolulu was a dog. The best acting of the movie right there. At least it was believable. Check this out and make a game of it. Of course, if you imbibe soda or whatever every time there’s something stupid said, you’ll be spending more time in the bathroom than watching the movie. You’d be getting off lucky.

Categories:

Gore: 2
Plot: -1
Character development: 0
Special effects: 0
Plot twists: 1
Unnecessary nudity: 2
Overall feeling: For shame, International Stream!

PS. On the cover of the box, it's someone holding a chainsaw. No chainsaw is used...at all, as far as I can remember, throughout the whole movie.

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The Demon Child 666
Runtime: 90 minutes

Starting out, we get upside down crosses in the menu. Bring on the scary! Cary Howe directed this film, so since I’ve never heard of him, I’m going to say he was sucked back into the nether realm after this one movie. Here’s to the benefit of the doubt, Cary. Don’t fail me. Why there's an old, white-haired man walking through the desert instead of a child sucking out the marrow from people’s spines for the first four or so minutes still bothers me. Maybe he has Merlin Disease? You know, when someone ages backwards. That’d be a nice twist. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that’s what’s going on. I’m not sure where this location is, but the clouds are purple and are hurting my eyes. Please bring the darkness before my retinas dry up. Yay ominous clouds and thunder. But only for a second! Night sure does come fast in movies like this. A snaggly cut away and BOOM! Midnight. Old man is cuddling something, and if it’s a baby, no way he didn’t need a baby carry-all. That kid would have needed changing at least twice. It seems the old man is enchanted with some sort of amulet. It’s about the side of a dime and can keep skeleton dogs (hey you tell me what else they could be!) away. He’s Native American – or trying to be. I’d be offended if his name is…sorry, I lost my train of thought. A hole just blew out of a mountain the size of a man, and no rocks even flew at him. He had that awesome amulet power of…cut-to!

Well, he just found a big bunch of scaley eggs. And just when it gets iinteresting, we see the fodder for this movie. Old Man ‘Doc’, a sarcastically-married couple, a caring couple, and then some random blonde. Because there always needs to be a random blonde. If we’re going for more ‘poor man’s’ around here, we have a poor man’s Patrick Swayze here folks. And he loves ancient, dusty weaponry and artifacts.

A thirst for knowledge turns to a thirst for blood? Let’s watch! ‘Doc’ has this bag of tricks, and everything is so fantastical that he was able to get things carbon-dated, but obviously none of the other scientists cared enough about the ‘finds’ to do anything about it except crazy old man Doc.

Ha! Death number one: Creepy white-haired man is seen in headlights. Cut to screaming,, a crunching noise, and he’s on the other side of a tire, conveniently on the side the viewer can’t see. But wait! Not dead yet – because everyone survives an RV rolling over their legs.

Let me just say here, folks, that in reality, I take death seriously. I do. But this kind of ridiculousness only has a hope in a movie like this.

Moving right along, some jerk on the motor home actually picked up one of the two eggs (the only one that was seen in the shot) and put it inside a baggage duct. Maybe they thought it was luggage or something? I mean, what with no handle or tag or anything, it must be important, right? At least they all know that it’s an egg now. What with all the ‘Doc’s, and apparently everyone else super-educated (or, at least, capable of spouting off big words), it was easy to figure out exactly what this thing was...sort of.

But then it explodes and it’s a kid with horns and a tail and a thirst for neck blood! Everyone just seems so surprised. What did they expect, really? Starting at 27:30, the demon baby starts to cry. Let’s see how long the baby will do it. Truthfully, I’m curious as to what the baby has to do with all this. Apparently, through no thought of my own, this week’s picks both include RVs and machetes. I need to start reading the back of these boxes before I randomly pick them up and head for the checkout.

Oh jeeze. Poor man’s Rambo is up on the roof of a moving RV trying to fight off the demon baby. It seems to me that most of the money was spent on fake blood and attaching a camera to a roller skate because the demon baby has the same cry throughout the whole thing. Same pitch, same length and outburst. Funnily enough, I bet one of the wives/girlfriends/whatever was cheating on her husband/boyfriend. A severe death by mutant baby and she hasn’t shed a single tear. Maybe she’s just that brave. Or that bad an actor.

And since a demon baby with a tail and a thirst for blood isn’t bad enough, they decided to stop for the night. Fangs and horns, it’s still a baby, and no way can it catch up to them. Suckers.

I think it’s safe to assume that the sound guy had about enough of the incessant baby noises as I have. Unlike myself, he could quit. And quit he did – most like around the 44 minute mark. The sounds just gets progressively worse and my television is cranked up pretty high. As for the actors, players in this chess game of the destitute, Doc finds a body. The sentimental fool in him wins out over his natural need for survival, so he digs a pit, puts the body in it, covers it with heavy rocks, makes a cross out of sticks and..twine and then falls asleep. Sounds like a recipe for death to me. Hope you had fun using your 'feelings' right before you heart gets ripped out and devoured by a crazy baby! We’re down to three live people out of the seven at the 50 minute mark. There’s still 40 minutes left to go, people!

I must concede, though, to at least something. Whoever did the animatronics (or whatever the demon baby is made from) did a decent job at it. It’s ugly as sin and has the whole ‘shifting my head from side to side as if I were telling a yo momma so fat joke’ down pat.

Remember that sword from earlier? Guess what? It works against the demon baby yay! Who didn’t see that one coming, really? I bet they wish they would have picked up that ring and mystical armband with them. This guy, well, from later in the movie, has gotten bitten in the leg, the back, and the stomach by this creature. Yet he struggles onward, trying desperately to make it back to the creepy shack where the old man with the white hair is. Why? Not too sure myself. This might be a good time to mention the dangers or playing with ancient, mystical weapons. If there is a horned infant resting on your boyfriend’s chest, draining the blood from an artery, it is never a good idea to stab the creature. Because, as shown in this movie, you will kill the love of your life, and not the wee babe. On the plus side, copious amounts of fake blood and dry ice do make for a fancy show.

Back at the grotto, the helpful man from the start has apparently made a killing on selling demon baby eggs on eBay. Who would of thought that even if a phone line wasn’t available – and hasn’t been for 30 years (as mentioned in the beginning) – it seems like an internet connection would be just a wee bit harder to come by. If the entrepreneur says ‘You’ll see, then you’ll know,” one more time, I’m going to start hoping for his demise at the hands of The Demon Child 666.

The movie’s actually about 86 minutes long, but while the credits are rolling, they have this little ‘behind the scenes’, badly-recorded, terribly dubbed vignette. Why would any one even want to watch this? Why am I watching it? You owe me this week, readers. And…as I watch this extra footage…I’m pretty sure that the cast and crew are the same. That, people, is truly terrifying.

Categories:

Gore: 3
Plot: 2
Character development: 1
Special effects: 3
Plot twists: 2
Unnecessary nudity: 1
Overall feeling: The movie is turned off, but I can't get the baby cry out of my head!

P.S. Check out IMDb.com for an interview with one of the actors when you type in the name of the movie. Priceless