The Giddeh: Voodoo Curse

Runtime: 80 Minutes

Bit only do we have smoke and campire embers blowing through the opening menu options, but this title screen is also peppered with logos. So – it stands to reason that the two companies shown would have pride in the movie, right? I guess I’ll find out.

Wow, no credits or anything – it goes right to the movie. Narration over a girl in a coma. The strange thing is, the narrator goes through the entire cast, telling us that everyone is dead. Even in the order they die. A minute thirty into the movie, and we’ve lost all their street cred by telling us who dies. I’m hoping this is just some terrible sequel and all those people died in the last movie. If not, I need to contact whoever’s logos that were on the first screen and complain. I’m not writing letters. Funny thing, on the box, the words are written so that ‘Voodoo Curse’ is first, with ‘The Giddeh’ under it in smaller type. Which would make one think it goes something like this: ‘Voodoo Curse: The Giddeh’. But! On the screen once the credits start (shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, right?)it’s written like at the top of the review. Weird stuff. That’s all I was thinking about for the four or so minutes of inane opening credits.

And folks, I was right. Everyone who was dead is now suddenly alive. This movie is nothing but a huge flashback. Why do I continue to watch since I know the ending? That’s right. I blame all of you.

I want to take a class in college – or…I wanted too before I graduated – that dealt with voodoo curses and the history thereof. The closest I got was a Supernatural Folklore class. Which was awesome. Oh! Back to the movie. There’s a pseudo fight, fists glancing through the air and not even making contact. And the guy who was just beaten up is enjoying a brew with his frat brother, laughing and talking derogatorily about women. Good thing is Big Brother has been there for eleven years How do I know this? He just said it. Why would someone say that? Someone who’s spent 11 years in college and isn’t a doctor or a lawyer and sees it as some kind of accomplishment, is who.

There’s also this random guy in full African garb that keeps being all…ominous. Oh, he just made someone have a…heart attack? I think? And there’s apparently only one stairwell in the entire school, and everyone lives at the top of it. There was a body there, but heck if I know where it went.

I see where all the money went for this film: a hummer and a Mini Cooper. Because every college student has one of those, right? It’s obvious that I went to the wrong school. Some universities give you laptops, others give you exclusive, expensive cars, I got a room up eight flights of stairs every tie there was a fire drill. Typical.

There’s this whole montage of the African Priest guy I mentioned earlier (I’m assuming he’s a priest, guy doesn’t even have a name yet) and he’s doing some ritual where he covers himself in blood and some kind of white substance (looks like icing). He just ate an earthworm. Or…maybe he wasn’t him. But who could it have been? Insert a random guy…unless it was happening after he killed some teacher, then got the head of the department to drive him up to the secluded cabin where all the kids who are dead at the beginning of the movie…are staying. Alive. Drinking, drugs, sex, with all the usual players (smart one, slutty one, jock etc.) And I didn’t even mention the three sacred, ancient books that one of them stole while two girls just flip through them all willy nilly.

“If I took notes on how to get a man from you, it better be musical notes because of all the guys you’ve been with, I could write a symphony.” Not a bad line, I have to admit – I’ve never heard it before. But I also don’t get in to many catty, alcohol-induced fights with people I don’t know. Over 44 minutes into the movie, and the only real death I’ve seen is the guy who had a heart attack in the stairwell. If anything this movie is annoying for the not-so-quiet whisper that isn’t really audible cutting through the other audio. There isn’t even a subtitle option so that I could actually try and understand what was being said. Curses!

This is just a long process to get the Giddeh out and about. A chant, an idol, another chant to bring about the ‘Gatekeeper’ who will, in theory summon the actual bad guy/good guy thing. Good, because he stopped people from hurting any more of his ancient villagers, but then went on to kill 1800 people, men women and children. Seems like he was consumed by it or some ‘DarkSide’ thing like that. It’s gotten to the point that the man chanting is actually on a loop, the same bits of film and audio just keep showing up. I think it’d be safe to say that at least 12 minutes of the movie are either on him or on other ‘ancient’ scenes that don’t really matter. Finally, at 54:20ish, we finally see the creature, but the creature doesn’t to anything besides have red eyes and growl. Where did the Gatekeeper go? Did Ancient Voodoo decide that they just needed to cut out the middle man? The Hummer starts moving while the ‘starting the engine sounds’ are still on. If it was another 20 minutes of ‘bloopers’ I think I’d be able to make it through it easier.

First head was severed and…it was a clean cut. We’re talking Styrofoam dipped in Koolaid. Because, you know, jagged teeth from a monster would definitely make a professionally cut job of it. I bet the Giddeh has modernized, carrying a nice, sharp meat cleaver made of x mineral that can slice through a spinal column just so quickly and cleanly as a hot knife in warm butter.

Now, I swear I didn’t fast-forward, and the movie didn’t skip, but suddenly the teacher is there, he talks to the (now) only person alive, the girl from the beginning. Next I know, She’s chopping its head off with an axe…but I didn’t see her bury it. She had to bury it. And now she’s awake and…fast forward to the girl out of the hospital looking funky fresh and full of attitude. But then it…just stops. Is she the Giddeh Maybe? Maybe not? I stopped caring a while ago.

Categories:

Gore: 2
Plot: 3
Character development: 0
Special effects: 2
Plot twists: -1
Unnecessary nudity: 2
Overall feeling: By the end...I was ready for it to be over. Exhausting movie, folks, seriously.

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Tamara

Runtime: 94 Minutes

Even though this movie is brought to you but the creators of Final Destination (which I am a fan of, my hopes are low. Oooh pentagrams! I feel something witchy this way comes. From the box art, It was a really hot chick carrying an axe. Either she was out for blood, she’d just gotten it, or this film is going to be full of kink. Enter a mildly unattractive girl (you all know the type – really pretty but wears her hair up and has glasses. For some reason, these people think it hides the pretty. Who knows – maybe it does. She’s playing Wiccan. A skull surrounded by candles, tarot cards, Listerine in an old-timey bottle, a huge dagger that would seem to be from 18th century Prussia. Lots of angle statues with needles in them, dolls stuck in candles – she’s really not doing the Wiccan religion much of a service, if you ask me.

Cue the rock music and the high school ‘you’re running late for class!’ bell. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens to her. Oh, there she is, and she looks pretty cute…but she’s making out with her teacher. Yep, this has got to be a dream sequence. I’m just waiting…oooh there it is, the whole school looking in the window, laughing. It’s pronounced ‘Tam-ar-a’, instead of ‘Ta-mar-a’. Because everyone, I’m sure, was itching to know. The jock just made fun of her, and got a high five from his lackey. Dead now! Well, probably soon.

Uh oh, Tamara published an article on steroids. Everyone’s mad at her. But I’m getting that Carrie vibe. One girl is her bestest friend and sticks up for her, the teacher is understanding, no one else likes her. We all know what that leads to. And, to be honest, the denim skort (maybe an over-all skirt? That’s what it was!) isn't helping her appearance much. Really isn’t flattering. And she tried to kiss the teacher! Someone got the rebuff. Ha! Her father owns a VCR repair store. No wonder he seems to be an alcoholic. Maybe he’s a clairvoyant and knows that VCRs will very soon be out of date. Heck, even now, you can buy a DVD player for 30 bucks (I’ve seen ‘em!) so who would want a VCR? I’m worried that my friend’s kid will never know the joy of ‘please be kind, rewind’. Such is life, I suppose.

The jocks have a party scheduled – dastardly things will go on, but Tamara is at her house, angry and about to make the teacher fall in love with her. I don’t know how she got the cool Celtic circle carved in to her floor, but she’s sitting in the middle of it and…chickens out. A midnight call – the jocks are playing a very bad, sad, joke. I’m really not a fan of humiliating a person. I can handle people getting killed in movies, but something about just stripping someone down emotionally is just worse to me for some reason.

Whoops. Tamara got into a tussle…and she’s…dead? Well, there goes the movie with over an hour left to go. Or is she? They’re pulling a I know what you did Last Summer secret pact. “Well, if we just bury her in the woods, and keep our mouths shut, everyone will think she ran away.”

Not going to be that easy, Quarterback Jerk. Mwhahaha. Why does every small town have a secluded patch of woods? How many dead bodies get parked there each year? Do they use the same one over and over again? But they buried her and she came back – or was it all a dream?

In walk the vixen of every high schooler’s dream. Thick dark hair, a pronounced bossom, high heels, and just exuding confidence. She’s actually slightly intimidating now. Must be the power of witchcraft. Or maybe a self-help book. But now she’s back in action, mackin’ on the teacher and everything. Quick! Get the killer!Scooby gang together to try and figure out what to do. While they do that, she’s out for blood, starting with the geeky AV club president who just happened to be along for the ride (and to be accepted). The special effects in this movie, though slightly cheesy, aren’t over-used and in some cases, rather apt.

I think it’s funny the much-lusted after teacher seems to be the only teacher there. Well, he and his wife, the guidance counselor. But I’m sure she will have a bigger part later on. I have to give a little credit to the girl playing the lead – she has a range to play a meek, insecure girl and then bounce back (from the dead, no less) and act like a 21st century Wonder Woman with a vendetta – corsets and all!

There’s the wife again. And Tamara pulls a mental whammy. Talking not being able to please her man, or give him children, or that there are a hundred girls at the school that want her husband that are much hotter than she is. A little squabble, walls are built, people are angered. She’s such a little manipulator.

To be perfectly frank, even if that’s not my name (or is it?!), I’m not sure I can give away any more of this movie. The ‘witchy’ scenes (because they aren’t exactly death scenes as such) are actually pretty creative – and it’s more about the humiliation for the humiliated point of view, which I really haven’t seen since Carrie. In the end, good conquers all, but the road there is actually slightly entertaining. I just caught a flaw – vomit on the floor, no vomit the next, but those types are things are probably to be expected – especially when a student who had just transferred in three months ago has a a teacher’s home phone number programmed into her cell – but still. SO far, this has been the only watchable of the eight (is it really eight already?) that I’ve done. Need to find out where to rent it, along with all the others? More Than Video, of course. Good and bad, they’ve got them all.

Categories:

Gore: 4
Plot: 4
Character development: 3
Special effects: 45
Plot twists: 2
Unnecessary nudity: -1 (none, insanity. Like they have standards or something!)
Overall feeling: Worth a rent just to see the vindictive girl get revenge. A true under dog story.