Hollow Man 2
Runtime: 91 Minutes

Let me start out by saying that I’m not a big fan of sequels – especially in the horror genre. But, this caught my eye because if this one is as terrible the first one was (and I dig Kevin Bacon in certain roles) I’m in for a lot of sarcastic fodder. Starting off, the main menu looks like someone put too much time in to it, making everything seem ghostly and ‘invisible’. Didn’t really make me want to hurry up and push play, I can tell you that. The music sounds similar to the first one, which I think is nice and…well! I didn’t know Christian Slater was in this! It changes nothing, of course, and if he plays the Hollow Man, I’m sure people referred to him as a Poor man’s Kevin Bacon anyway. I believe I have yet to review a movie where the opening credits don’t take up less than two minutes of someone’s time. This movie is, of course, no exception. 2:19, to be exact.

At least this movie doesn’t rehash the first movie. We go almost directly into a death scene. From what I can surmise, they’ve started back up the research from the first one (because no one ever seems to learn from other’s mistakes, right?) and someone’s been injected in a bad way and it’s practically a drug now. Mr. Invisible is looking for some kind of ‘rebuffer’. I’m guessing that part will explain itself in due time.

The only other person I even caught as familiar from a glance was Peter Facinelli – he plays the lead detective in this movie – and the only reason he looked familiar was because I have shamefully been exposed to Can’t Hardly Wait more than once. Remember? He played that stupid stereotypical jock that broke up with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character. Mmm. Jennifer Love Hewitt. And that’s all I know about him (after harnessing the power of IMDb.com). So while the ex-teen movie star is up in the soon-to-be-victim’s bedroom (chatting, unfortunately) female cop whose name I never caught because she’s probably going to die soon, found a refrigerator full of Petri dishes. Now that’s home cooking.

Cue the totally random teenagers videotaping themselves ala Paris Hilton (which even gets a reference before the clothes come off). Why? I’m not really sure, but I think it’s probably just to get people in seats and to up the body count. Of course, I think the Hollow Man just wanted to scare the teens by going in front of the night vision. See kids! Don’t go videotaping yourselves doing filthy things when your parents aren’t home (and probably not a good idea to do it when they are home, fyi) because you’ll have a crazy invisible man all up in the camera.

But! I believe we have a plot twist. Turns out that the scientist’s sister…may actually be her girlfriend. Everything is left pretty vague. Though cute-girl-on-a-moped does bring the female scientist some kind of present, though again, left unsaid what was in the wrapping paper. And as I predicted, female cop is dead. Her pupils are ‘fixed and dilated’ so says the scientist, so she’d know. Lots of cops are now shooting up her place trying to nab the invisible man. This must have been a pretty easy movie for Christian Slater. Thirty minutes into the movie and no one’s seen him (literally). Just a couple voice tracks. Easiest gig in the world because you know that he didn’t do his own stunts. For all we know, they could just be CGI. Some poor vegetarian just proclaiming that ‘Bacon is murder’ was just knocked through a window. A big window. Why do crazies always have to pick on the herbivores? They’ve not done you any wrong. The CGI looks almost identical to that of the first movie – the way that blood, water, and grime look on the invisible man. So…nothing new there.

Now it’s (if it wasn’t obvious from the start) a big government conspiracy. Around the 42 minute mark, the chick scientist is now going over what happened in the first movie and that the serum damages the cells and causes people to go crazy. Thanks for stating the obvious. And around the 44 minute mark, we are go for flashback and see Christian Slater. This just turns into a hash of the first one. Body jerking around, indescribable pain, all that. Halfway through the movie, we see the star (Slater) and then he’s gone a minute later. So what we have people, is a cop out for revenge because of the death of his female (more than) partner, a scientist who holds all the secrets, an insane soldier needing to kill or be killed, and the government puppetting over everyone and trying to clean up their own mess. How typical in movies, right? They do reflect life though, to some extent.

An actual decent scene was when Michael (Hollow Man) was in an elevator carrying on a conversation with a blind woman. Seemed not-so-crazy. If only for thirty seconds. What I don’t understand is how the blind woman didn’t smell any of the blood from the four or so soldiers/workers Michael needed to kill to get into the elevator with her, you know? The plot thickens as the experiment is really only over political safety, not national security – this invisible cell is capable of killing anyone, and so far he’s taking out the politicians that are hampering the workings of the actual government officials. Scary, huh? So now he’s just killing to kill, to cover up his true agenda – or so the movie says. I think he’s just insane with boodlust. Plus, I bet it’d be hard to shave when you can’t see yourself. That’s enough to make some people irritable. Not only that, but you’d have to stay OCD clean too – dirt under the nails or dust on your face and they’d be able to see you. I don’t think I could do that. How Michael found out where the girl scientist’s ‘sister’ lives is beyond me – and I’m pretty sure that he didn’t read any files at the government installation. He’s been way too busy killing to crack open a folder – much less seek the information out. Ugh, people are just poking themselves with rat poison and invisible serum. It’s like a rave gone terribly wrong. This sequel, though impressive with the rain and all that, had far less explosions and action than the other one. I believe the only reason this is considered horror and not suspense is because for the body count – much of which the audience is not allowed to see happen. Credits are rolling at 88:30, so this movie was only actually about 85 minutes long. It could have been much shorter.

Categories:

Gore: 1
Plot: 2
Character development: 0
Special effects: 5
Plot twists: 1
Unnecessary nudity: 1
Overall feeling: Someone needs to stuff him full of mothballs and put him in the attic to only bring out as a last resort to boredom.

Fear of the Dark
Runtime: 86 Minutes

Now, before I start to review our next selection – chosen by its cover – I have a confession to make. I did not know that this movie was rated PG-13. And, to be honest, I wonder exactly how much ‘horror’ there can be in a movie that has that rating. Surely someone didn’t let a slasher flick slide under the radar with such a rating, but enough of my ramblings: on with the show!

From the video on the menu screen, it looks like a bunch of kids. No we’re not talking teenagers or college kids – I mean kid kids. I’m not sure if my stomach can manage the death of an actual child, but I guess I’ll just have to watch it and find out, eh? Lots of smoke as the credits roll, my eyes taking glances at the timer to see I my theory that all bad horror movies have over two minutes of them at the start. Surprisingly enough, Kevin Zegers (from Wrong Turn and The Hollow stars in this. And…I was wrong – only 1:21 of credits. Folks, with actor power like this movie seems to have and the lack of credits, I hope I’m not disappointed with the lack of ‘bad’. Someone knocked a baseball into what looks like an abandoned child’s room...in a basement, the general taunting that kids get about being a 'fraidy cat and all that is heard, no creatures attacking just yet. The kid was lucky that the ball landed in a shaft of light and didn’t roll away anywhere else. Wow, the buddy-bullies of this poor kid locked him down in a cellar. What a bunch of jerks. I’d take my toys (in this case, a baseball) and go home…if I lived through the ordeal, which I’m starting to think this kid won’t. And…I don’t think he did. A ghostly figured filled up the screen, so it appears that he was lost to the Thing in the Basement.

Cut to a kid on a skateboard, the music reminding me of the Beach Boys for some reason. Bright sunny day, which is typical to happen after a scary scene – has anyone else noticed this besides me? Kid’s got nice house, though – and even with all the natural light coming in through the big windows, he still feels the need to turn on every light in the living room. And there’s someone working with a soldering iron…I’m guessing it’s the mom, soldering a…piece of art? Who knows. But she’s overbearing – not allowing her kid to have caffeine after coming home from school. Apparently it’s a well-known fact that he has a fear of the dark, Mom turning on a light so the kid can walk down the steps into the basement. Of course, his fear probably isn’t alleviated by the fact that his mother makes metal mesh masks and headless torsos as a hobby/occupation? I doubt it’ll ever be fully covered in the movie. His dad has a more callous look on his son’s phobia – telling him that he needs to grow up because he’s too old. But Dad’s a lawyer, so he’s used to getting his own way.

Zegers is actually the older brother to the creepy kid, and apparently there’s this almost mythical girl that’s in his room now (who turns out to be real!) that the younger brother must investigate. After some mild conversation, Neal & Blonde get deep into the topic of death. Yeah, because that’s typical to go from guitars to heart attacks – presumably a heard attack, but no one knows for sure. In real life fashion, the most opportune time for a kiss is broken by little brother looking in and giggling.

There is way too much conversation in this movie. Eighteen minutes into the film and the parents haven’t even left for their party yet. Zegers agrees with the dad, the mother still trying to baby the boy. I swear I’m not fast forwarding, but I have no idea what these kids’ names are. Uh oh, big evil claw marks on the younger brother’s shoulder and Zegers sees it. Cue the brotherly love/bond/protective nature that should be in a family. I have to admit that the dialog is pretty sarcastic once you get passed the fluff. Even the little mangled kid is getting some digs in. As soon as the parents leave, Zegers pulls out a pack of smokes and does it just like every other teenager – wrong. No inhaling, just letting it out. Of course, that could have been in the script as well. Who knows? A big storm is coming in, the boys all alone in the house. If this kid is so scared of the dark – why’s he watching a horror movie? In the middle of a storm? Even I don’t do that sometimes. But I bet this kid is a masochist. But where’s Big Brother the Babysitter? Upstairs playing his guitar with headphones on, completely oblivious to the world around him. Tsk tsk. Now the television is changing channels all on its own. Going from Warner Brothers cartoons to…Evil Dead! I bet it was some kind of tribute to one of the best – in certain ways – horror movie out there.

Now the ‘dark things’ as the little kid (who I’m going to call Ryan) calls them, are starting to effect the whole house – melted gallons of ice cream are no defense against them. At least Zegers (who will now be referred to as Neal) is a good big brother – with pranks mixed in with brotherly advice. So far, 30 minutes in, I’m more bored than scared. Horror movies shouldn’t make you draw in-depth characterizations of the characters, but I seem to have plenty of time to remark on them seeing as how all they do is talk and walk around making sure that there aren’t any Boogeymen lurking around. Lights are out, Ryan is freaking out and seeing things. Neal is all annoyed with the kid but also really concerned about him. Apparently the dark is alive and if I had started this from the beginning, I would bet they’ve said ‘light’ and ‘dark at least a hundred times apiece by this point in the movie – not even halfway through. Neal is now securely(?) locked in the attic while Ryan covers himself in battery-operated lights. He looks like a miniature Power Ranger…crouching in the corner of a room. Hands and faces coming out of the walls, which really was a subtle and neat effect – and Neal gets backhanded with a skateboard after falling through the unlocked entrance to the attic. Actually a nice bit of humor. Apparently the Dark Things eat people – what's the deal is Neal’s obsession with stuffing his brother’s face with food? I understand the comfort of it but if they don’t have any power, I’m not sure how much comfort a mayo sandwich can offer – peanut butter on it or no. Again, not so much with the scary. A creepy statue from his mother’s own hands cut Ryan pretty bad. But it was supposedly the Dark Things. I think this kid just likes attention. He had no reason going for the sharp blade anyway - especially if he thought that something was after him. And I just found out that Neal’s real name is Dale. Oh well, he’s still Neal here. If it took 47 minutes to get me a name that is understandable and intelligible, then I see no reason to change it now.

Cue the flashback to why Ryan believes in the dark things. Apparently he lost a tank down there in the basement as a kid and decided to go get it. Without any lights on, of course. Longest kid-going-down-the-stairs-into-a-dark-room scene ever, and the darkness actually took him. Of course, the idea isn’t really all that overdone – the house isn’t haunted, but the darkness in the house is. Neal is actually being drawn in to either the knowledge or the insanity that is his little brother, but there are some occurrences – furniture being piled up then back the right way a moment later – creepy noises that are probably slowly drivng the older brother batty. He tries to find logic, he really does – but Ryan just as easily shoots it down. I bet it would be frustrating. Maybe it’s just easier to fall into madness when they’re no parental supervision around. Kids smoking and eating ice cream and making weird sandwiches – I’d probably be hallucinating too.

Ha! There’s this…rock music playing ouut of nowhere when the dark things come into the house. They look like cowboys and Abraham Lincoln, I kid you not. I’m no psychologist, but I think Ryan is just displacing some bottled up emotions that may or may not involve his older brother snuggling under the covers with him. I’m being facetious, of course, and that is nothing to joke about, but I’ve got to use humor as more and more dialog runs rampant in the movie. This movie’s pretty stressful, especially for the actors. Everything just builds and builds and builds until the tension just has to be released and….is extremely disappointing. Because all it leads to is more conversation! No wonder this thing is PG-13. All the ghosts are bored back to death with all the back and forth between two (now three) actors.

Now Ryan apparently, has always been scared of this coat in his closet. Because sometimes it’s coat, sometimes its not. I, personally, would just move the coat. The Dark Things are getting more aggressive, ripping apart beds and strangling the poor kid. You’d think if they were going to eat him, they’d just…do it, right? If I was Darkness and hungry for kidmeat, I probably wouldn’t be teasing them – all that would do is make the meat more stringy. But I don’t have much experience in the kid eating, so what do I know?

At the end of the day, Ryan’s creativeness saves the day, parents coming home just in time to think that every single kid is crazy in the house. Tables are turned and now Neal is the crazy one while Ryan seems to have overcome his fear completely.

Categories:

Gore: 0.5
Plot: 1
Character development: 2
Special effects: 3
Plot twists: 1
Unnecessary nudity: 0
Overall feeling: If your teen wants a spook, give it a shot. Clean language and just enough jump to keep the kids entertained.