Jason X
Runtime: 95
Cue the spooky music! The menu’s done in red and yellows, looking much like lava. As the beginning credits start to roll, here’s my take on sequels. When they are done to continue a storyline? Brilliant. When they are done to just be a slasher flick to make money? Not so brilliant. I fear, as I seem to be staring into the pit of Hell itself, that this is one of the latter variety. You’d think for something as incredible as its tenth movie, the staff would have thought of a possibly good story, right? Then why do I have the foreboding feelings thatisn’t one of those, but one that survives on special effects? Kane Hodder plays Jason. Makes me wonder what made him right for this part. No, actually, I must apologize – not hell, but the inner-workings of a person’s body. Blood’s getting taken, instruments are being cleaned, and someone is getting muzzled. Most likely Jason? Oh, and for those of you keeping score, 3:02 for opening credits. Oh goody. Not only is this a horror movie, but it’s one set in the future. Because Jason’s managed to live to the time where cryogenic stasis is actually a viable solution for criminals. I believe that Kane was was chosen for his ability to move his eyes. Seriously.
Enter the crazy Dr. Webber(?) who needs to take Jason away while he’s still awake, because a greedy man wants to know how Jason can regenerate his own dead tissue cells. Maybe because he feeds on pain and fear? How Jason managed to get out of suspension chains and get someone else in there without anyone seeing is beyond me. Wouldn't the future have cameras? Plus, he’s capable of taking out half a dozen men in under thirty seconds. Yes, okay, you got me. I’m willing to attribute some of that to the ‘myth’ of Jason. That he’s some otherworldly demon with insanebloodlust who, no matter how slow he walks, always gets his victim in the end. It’s most likely part of his mystique that keeps people coming back for more. But, it looks like one lone female thwarted him…until she has to peek in and gets a machete (he’d have to be frozen with his own toys, right?) through a metal door and in the belly.
That’s all happened within less than ten minutes people. Flash forward to a future time – how do I know? Everything’s covered in cobwebs that look like they’d take months (if not years) to make. Unless they have super-weaving spiders in the future. Which! May be a possibility. And now enter the hapless team of future people. Who, for some reason, feel the need to open up the cryogenic tube that holds Jason. And there’s this one guy who can’t be over twelve. Apparently he’s the comic relief of the rag tag team. Appears that the first massacre at the start of the movie happened in 2010 (ha!), and it’s beyond 2024 now. Probably the first time ever, Jason was able to take off the 12-year-old’s arm by falling forward while frozen. But this place is so advanced that a shot and a bandage were enough to fix the kid. So! What have we learned? People in the future are harder to maim. That’s probably why this movie goes 95 minutes. They just won’t die. I think a rough guess would be year 2500 (2455 really – I was close!). Once they get back to the ship, there are even more people. Everyone from robots to students to…no Eskimos, though. Intro the horny couple that is in every Jason movie. They will soon die, I'm sure, just like they always do. I worry about the lone pretty blonde though, she’s working on Jason – peeling out eyeballs and stuff. Greed rears its head again, the lead Doctor (on a ship with all students, apparently) is planning on selling Jason to the highest bidder. Of course he doesn’t seem to have many morals – sleeping with a student so she can pass her midterm doesn't strike me as completely ethical.
Ominous music folks, I feel a death comin’ on. The ship seems more like The Love Boat than a research facility – everyone seems to be having sex. And Jason is brought back to life because the two younger students from earlier made it. Oh yeah, it. How someone as clunky as Jason is could be capable of moving without causing a noise is beyond me. First death of the S.S.Humpsalot – appears to be cryogenic liquid to the face. Then a smashing on the counter. Not bad special effects, though. There are a lot of ‘swishing’ sound effects because this place has so many doors. No space ship needs this many doors, especially when they can’t save you from Jason! The other thing I like about sequels this far down the line is the comedy that lends itself to such things. Interesting little simulation that surprised me. But, no matter how far in the future people get, soldiers in horror movies will always fight in the dark with tiny flashlights on the end of their guns. And why lay down strafing fire when the target is stationary? Oh yeah – to make sure and knock out all the lights so it’s even harder to find Jason. Typical. Focus the camera on the giant spike/screw thing in the middle of the room. I bet that comes in useful later.
Can someone still walk when their throat is sliced? And not just a little sliced, but a lot? I don’t plan on trying it out any time soon, but I would think no. Oh, and yes, the spike came in handy, getting the line ‘He’s screwed’ to come out and play. Because a movie like this always needs a line like that, right?
Now that all the special forces guys are dead, for the most part, the students turn to the 450 year old woman who barely knew Jason in the past for survival (you remember the one I mentioned earlier - yeah, brought back to life by micro ants, kid you not). Ha! Best line so far: “I don’t think he’s out there.” “Why don’t you stick your head out and have a peek?”
Why indeed! Lil miss robot seems perfectly calm – unsure about how to feel. Professor Lowe is left in the room with Jason. As he talks more and more about how he can help the demon that is Jason monetarily. Oh, turned out Jason just wanted his machete back. Which he uses to kill the doctor. And the robot? Obviously was just made to be asexbot – her creator deciding it’s better to make out with silicon than go to the one chance they have off the shit – a smaller ship! And the chick who was recently defrosted after so much time is now the leader of the pack. You’d think she’d have some kind of..time lag or something, wouldn’t you? Who knows – it’s the future! Anything’s possible. Thankfully, there is one insane girl on board so consumed with fear that she had to get away so badly that she pulled the ship out with the fuel lines attached and managed to destroy the ship. How smart of her. Moving back to the robot, apparently her creepy inventor gave her an ‘upload’. Not an ‘upgrade’, but an ‘upload’. Filthy! But now KM (the robot) is a total ninja assassin chick who managed to take off one arm and one leg of Jason – and his face. So…wow, movie should be over since he’s in so many pieces, yes? No, with 27 more minutes to go it’s not! Cue the problem.
The collision from stupid girl compromised the hull. But yay! Another ship. But they’re still bleeding out – literally and figuratively, most likely. But they have a plan! Thanks to Ancient Chick. Something happened though, Jason’s somehow activated some kind of…blue light…and is being reconstituted, presumably. Oh! The little healing ants that have saved at least two lives so far? Are going to help him. Stupid helpful insects. And not only are they healing him, but because there’s a machete in his chest, they’re making him good as new with metallicnano technology (I think. Future science is a mystery to me.) Ooh, but now he looks modified and made better. Stronger. They have the technology! One punch and KM’s head comes off. Though no on else’s seems to be coming off that easily. Now, he’s been shot up and blown up. And creepy inventor guy is still holding tightly to his robot’s head. Gross. Luckily, the bridges were blown so everyone seems safe and the new ship is here.
Jason just punched a hole in the side of a ship. A big one too. So, all the oxygen is heading toward deep space. But can they survive? They sure are drawing this sequence out. You’d think the grate in front of the hole would help. Nope, just makes itself into asiv so the chick’s body can go through it, quickly turning herself into human jelly. Best on toasted rye, so I hear. Apparently the infinite cold vacuum of space really doesn’t matter to Jason. But now they’re trying for a diversion. A bit late, because Jason is coming. It’s weird to see the robot’s head attached to wires. Slightly disconcerting – especially since her creator was kissing her a while ago. The diversion? Crystal Lake 1980. Where he was first found, simulated with that world-renowned breathing noise. And it seems to have done the trick. When you add in two shirtless coeds who ‘love premarital sex’, you bet that’d be a distraction! If itwasn ’t for their hull being breached by stupid girl, these people would have been good and gone. But, no such luck. And when it blows up, he’s coming right for them until he’s intercepted and taken back to theexpoding ship. Jason is coming for them and he looks angrier than ever. With one Secret Solider remaining, he szooms toward an unknown planet. Will Jason finally die upon reentry? Will he live to kill another day? Will virgins everywhere who have sex before marriage be doomed?
Aww, poor guy landed in a lake.
Categories:
Gore: 4
Plot: 1
Character development: 2
Special effects: 5
Plot twists: 2
Unnecessary nudity: 4
Overall feeling: Jason will never die!
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The Bloodletting
Runtime: 86 Minutes
Well, I can see that the money for this flick didn’t go into the main menu. It’s just the cover of the box stretched out with a giant check mark beside the ‘Play Movie’ option. And special features? You can forget it – this is a bare bones (excuse the obvious horror pun). You can either play the full movie, or pick a scene of the movie to play. And that’s it!
Pretty cheap opening credits, too. The camera pans over spooky, eerily-candlelit skulls and ancient books while a piano plays off-key in the background. I wouldn’t mind being the person who drew all the images they’re showing, because hey, that would probably be more fun than actually watching the movie. Of course, I’m probably not giving it enough credit. Apparently they’re all ancient books around vampires. Like people don’t know enough about them to begin with. And we broke the four minute mark with the opening credits. I have a bad feeling about this one.
I want to say the first two actresses we’re exposed to are hookers, but I think they’re carrying book bags. They should put some Mace in there for when THE VAMPIRE ATTACKS AND SUCKS THEIR BLOOD! Two down. And the lighting in this movie is terrible. It’s painfully natural, and it doesn’t seem that any money went to makeup for the plethora of female actresses. There’s no need for that huge zit on one of their faces. The unnecessary nudity is going to be high in this movie, I can tell.
Quick cut for no reason (no fade, either) to a bunch of people sitting by the pool. Cue the slow motion for a British guy…in a Speedo and very hairy chest. The British man seems likeGomer Pyle with a bad accent. There’s even a ‘Slater’ copy who promises Doofus that there’d be a girl for him. And…I want to say there’s only one camera. Because it’s either in front of the bar, or behind it. At least they haven’t done any of that split-screen crap yet. Of course, we’re only 13 minutes into the movie, which is really only nine minutes into the action. Ugh, how long can they cast pleasantries around a a small group of people? Longer than it should be filmed. Now, everyone’s getting trashed. Good thing they only live four blocks away so they can stumble home (which has been referenced twice in the movie at this point). And stumble home they do. Everyone paired off and sloppy drunk. Enter the ominous hobo – dubbed ‘The Homeless Profit’ who sees futures. And then he stumbles and falls back down….and passes out – presumably! Sneakyol’ coot!
The group splits up, a couple going one way, the other three pairs going upstairs to an apartment building. You know what? This is such a lame movie that it’s making me do a very lame review. What happens when drunk couples go back to their own apartment? That’s right.Chicka chicka bow wow. By candle light now less. I hope neither of them exhales over one, the alcohol content is enough to cause someone to lose an eyebrow. I’m not sure which state this movie takes place in, but apparently when people hold hands, it means the sex is finished. Oh, and the piano music added a lot to the ambiance...
Unfortunately, they’ll never get to see the homeless man again. Something ate him. Probably the same something that ate the two hooker students from the beginning. This is too much like The Real World. At least Jason X had some action in it. All these kids do is drink, get drunk, and sleep. Will something kill the British guy? He just asked a girl if they ‘got it on’. Who says stuff like that except complete jerks?
Finally, we may be getting somewhere. One of the girls finds the homeless man in a dumpster. Police are on the scene! Well…one of them is. With no back up and wielding a mighty pen. Looks like the county pulled their funding. One cop per movie, please. Something’s wrong with Rachel! She’s played the Drunk Easy Girl one too many times. Oh wait, where’s the mysterious new boyfriend when one chick wakes up? I say either he’s the vampire or it was a case of the Coyote Uglies. It was a good thing that everyone stayed over with everyone else, no need for a clothing change or anything. Coyote Ugly walks into the apartment, wondering where everyone is. FOUR second later, the group comes in. Like they wouldn’t have seen each other on the stairs.
I was right! The new boyfriend was a vampire. And so he turned the Slater look-alike into a vampire. The teeth are so insanely fake. And now vampires are fighting each other. Because C.U. was able to break the spell the evil boyfriend had on a guy he sired. The fight scene is so choreographed, t’s worse than theWWE. Yes, I went there. But, unlike the WWE , I doubt any of these people actually got hurt. Much to my displeasure. The one remaining girl (the others died in such stupid ways, it’s just easier to say they died and not dwell on it) dropped her phone on the sidewalk! And the battery fell out! And the faceplate came off! Her phone is ruined! Suddenly the bouncer from the night before is a vampire slayer – carrying a bat. Funny thing about the vampire? The fake teeth are so large, he can’t even close his mouth. So, everything looks overly enunciated – because it is. It’s more of a speech impediment than an overbite this late in the game. Who’d’a thought that using a vampire’s face as a punching bag would kill a vampire? Well, Bouncer Dude did and he was wrong. Dead wrong! Instead, some time during the struggle, the bouncer was bitten. Apparently all it takes is a little prick. Ugh, the last fight scene goes on for too long. Long story short? Vampire is dead, with a predictable harpsichord bang at the end to scare people. Me? Glad it’s over.
Categories:
Gore: 2
Plot: 1
Character development: 1
Special effects: 2
Plot twists: 0
Unnecessary nudity: 5
Overall feeling: I bet the director would die due to multiple hits in the face. If only we could find out!
